i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
Randomize
