I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
