I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
i would punch a child for taco bell
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
