I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Randomize
