Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
