last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
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