What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
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