How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
