Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
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