So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
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