the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
