I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
i love accidental penises.
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
