Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
Thanksgiving. A stoners favorite holiday
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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