she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
