We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
Send help, water and tortillas.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
