dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
Randomize
