Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
