I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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