Is it sad that I'm on the stopduiaz.com website and there is a cute boy but it will never work between us because hes in jail for 17.5 years?
Um.. is it mean if I say yes?
How would my first penpal letter even go? "Hey saw you on stopduiaz.com, sucks you killed that motorcyclist. Whats your favorite thing to do on the weekend?"
He uses pillows to masturbate.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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