Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Randomize
