I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Randomize
