For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
