Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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