true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
You're a waste of cheezeits
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
