god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
there are some really hot girls on the bus. i want to lips them
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
Randomize
