I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
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