i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
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