Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
