Michael Bay diarrhea
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Randomize
