i woke up in his bed, he had my shirt on
and high school musical 3 was playing on his lap top
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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