absolutely 100% incorrect. and i love you more you silk skinned goddess
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
Randomize
