Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
Randomize
