It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
