i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Randomize
