I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
Randomize
