in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Randomize
