and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
