Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
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