apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
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