So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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