He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
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