I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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