dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Randomize
