When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Randomize
