if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Randomize
