my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
