The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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