my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
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