Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
Randomize
