Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
Randomize
